Have you ever found yourself with a crying toddler - ripping your hair out, wondering how the situation escalated to this point? You go from holding your ground and not giving in to their tantrum over the color of a plate, to food splattered on the floor and a three-year-old screaming. Yeah, I've been there - and I'm sure anyone caring for a toddler can say the same. In this article, I will walk you through the process of creating independence for your toddler. Yes, you are still in charge; and no, this is not giving your toddler the keys to the kingdom. But you will notice a significant reduction in meltdowns and hair pulling.
Understanding Toddler Independence and Authority
It is first important to understand why it is crucial to foster independence in our toddlers. As children progress through key developmental stages, such as learning to communicate and use their bodies, they struggle to connect everything to make sense. Consider the challenge of being in a foreign country with limited language skills and still struggling to be understood even with hand gestures. I know from personal experience that it is a frustrating situation - much like what our toddlers are going through from ages 2-4. Toddlers crave a sense of control, and it is our responsibility as caretakers to provide opportunities for them to achieve that. By empowering them with a sense of control, your toddler will be much more receptive to your suggestions and feel more comfortable to grow and explore. This approach decreases their outbursts of frustration, and you can work together rather than against one another.
As I said before, we are not giving our toddlers free rein over all household decisions and running the show. Setting clear boundaries is essential in any situation, and giving control to your toddler is definitely no exception. First of all, it goes without saying that in matters of safety, you hold the authority - your toddler does not have a say in safety-related situations. However, it is beneficial to explain to them why you are the boss in safety situations. Also, while we are giving our toddlers decision-making capabilities, they are not going to be making all decisions. We still determine what time we are leaving and commitments we are attending, but we can empower our toddler to choose trivial things, such as the color of shoes they want to wear.
This becomes a collaborative relationship based on decision-making, rather than one person calling all of the shots. By involving your toddler in making decisions with you, you can build more trust and enhance your relationship positively. You become part of their sense of pride and achievement, making them more receptive to your decisions.
Practical Tips for Fostering Independence
Encouraging Decision-Making
Whenever you have a choice to make, consider whether or not it would be age-appropriate for your child to make the decision instead. If we have a playdate already set up, that is the plan. However, if I can ask them which playground they prefer, I will do so. When they ask me what I'm making for lunch, if I haven't decided yet, I may ask them what fruits they want to be included in their lunches. Sometimes, I will give them the open-ended question of what they want for lunch. If they say they want a hot dog, strawberries, raspberries, and cucumbers - then that is what I am making for them. Allowing them to make these choices gives them a sense of satisfaction, and I always praise them for their good decisions. This approach gets them excited about their meal and reinforces healthy eating habits!
This or That
Depending on the maturity and age of your toddler, open-ended choices may not be the most effective approach. It also exposes you to getting a "no" from them, or overwhelm and frustrate them. I made the mistake of asking the youngest what he wanted for lunch today, and he snapped back with "nothing!" Instead, I should have offered him specific options like a banana or strawberries. Too many choices can overwhelm your toddler and create confusion. It may also lead to being late for any commitments. Try giving your toddler two clear choices instead. Asking them if they'd rather bring their dinosaur or their superhero in the car, rather than asking which toy they want to bring, will save you a lot of time. Because I promise you - and again from experience - that will lead to a 20-minute delay at the minimum as they look through every toy they own, and you urging them to make a decision as the clock keeps ticking.
Encouraging Self-Help Skills
As your toddler progresses in their development, it's common to feel like they still need our help at every turn. However, it's important to recognize that they are more capable than we often give them credit for. By allowing them the chance to showcase their growing independence, such as by brushing their teeth and choosing their own school clothes, we can boost their confidence while also saving time. They will be running the majority of their own bedtime routine and getting ready in no time! I encouraged one of the children I look after to start showering independently by simply asking if he wanted to try a "big boy shower." By guiding him through the process initially and gradually letting him take over, he quickly learned to shower on his own in just two months. Imagine what things you can accomplish around the house, or in preparation for bedtime, with that extra 10 minutes. Remember to acknowledge and celebrate each small victory on the path to mastering these skills autonomously, as toddlers take great pride in impressing those who care for them.
Examples of When to Practice
Here are a few low-risk opportunities to begin allowing your toddler to discover their independence. Although this list is not comprehensive, as each child is unique, these are typical scenarios where you might encounter some resistance.
Meal Time:
Debating about the color of plates, bowls, and so on? Simply inquire if your child prefers eating from the blue plate or the red plate. With older toddlers or when time allows, let them go into the drawer and choose their preferred color plate.
If they are expressing dissatisfaction with strawberries (or any other food in front of them), offer them a selection between two clear options for their fruit, or main course. A helpful tip: I have observed better results when providing a visual aid displaying the two food choices for the main dish. This approach is more effective than just verbal choices, as even if they choose mac and cheese, they might not be pleased with the way it looks, despite having enjoyed it many times in the past.
Getting Ready:
Having trouble leaving the house on schedule? Offer them a choice between which pair of shoes or jacket they want to wear. Let them decide which toy to bring along for the car ride. You can present two options, or if time allows, they can choose a toy from their play area on their own.
Playtime:
Sometimes, as adults, we think of something and come up with exciting plans to do with our little ones. However, when we announce where we are going, sometimes we are met with an upset "No, I don't want to go there," and lose all hope of having a smooth transition to the car. To avoid this, ask them whether they would like to go to the aquarium or the science museum. Alternatively, ask them where they would like to go that day. Often, when I ask my toddlers an open-ended question of where they want to go, they don't actually have any ideas and ask me to choose or give them specific options.
Bedtime:
If your child is reluctant to brush their teeth, try offering them a choice of toothbrush color or toothpaste flavor. You can also ask them whether they prefer to brush their teeth independently or if they would like your help.
If your toddler is potty-trained, a recent challenge I ran into was reluctance to using the toilet before bedtime. To address this, I have found a successful approach by simply asking if they would like to use the bathroom first or if they would like me to use the bathroom first. Sometimes, I will turn it into a fun race to see if they can reach the bathroom and use it before I do.
I hope these ideas help you keep your hair and your sanity, as well as introduce more tranquility in your home. It's important to keep in mind that although implementing these strategies may reduce the frequency of tantrums and conflicts, toddlers are still toddlers and such challenges may still arise. Stay patient, you are doing an excellent job. And for those of you who need to hear it: You are an exceptional mother. You are a great father. You are an awesome nanny. You are a fantastic parent. You are a rockstar guardian. And your toddler loves you.
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